Sponsor |  jengis | Oct 4, 2007 1:21pm | A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
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I'm invoking the 96 hour rule.
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied. |
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Sponsor | | Orfie | Oct 8, 2007 2:51pm | A couple went to see a divorce lawyer. The husband wasn't really sure he wanted a divorce, but since the wife was adamant, he went along for the ride.
Once in the office, the attorney asked the wife her reasons for wanting the divorce.
"Two reasons," she replied. "One, he's always picking his nose. He does it in public and it's disgusting."
"Two, he never lets me on top when we're making love."
After interviewing the wife, the attorney asked the husband into his office for a private conference. He asked the husband why he was always picking his nose, and why would he not let the wife be on top?
"Two reasons," the husband replied.
"One, I promised my dear dying father that I would always keep my nose clean, and two, I'd never fuck up." |
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Sponsor | | jengis | Nov 10, 2007 3:55am | An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost." |
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